Get off the computer!

A few nights ago I came into the living room to see Abe standing on the closed laptop which was on the table. "Get off the computer!" I shouted at him. Ben heard me from the kitchen and thought my comment was directed at Ada. "Hey," he said, "you can't yell at Ada to get off the computer for no reason." "I wasn't talking to Ada." I informed him. "Abe was standing on the computer. When I said 'get off the computer' I meant that literally - get off the computer."

A poem about allergies

Wouldn't it be nice to be
In a world with no allergies?

Instead, I have to be alert
To make sure the kids don't get hurt.

It seems there are peanuts all around
In sandwiches, desserts and on the ground.

It's hard to make Abe understand
That he can't have what others can.

I must keep Tommy away from ants
And Ada and Ben away from cats.

What allergies will belong to Ted?
The answer to this question I dread.

Me and Gym

Gym: Well look who's here...it's been a while.
Me: That's because I hate you.
Gym: Have you gained weight?
Me: Shut up, I had a baby.
Gym: Well better get up on that treadmill and start working it off.
Me: I don't want to.
Gym: Fine, leave. I don't care. I'm going to charge you if you are here or not.
Me: Yes I know, you evil !@#$%.
Gym: Well you did sign a contract.
Me: Leave me alone.
Gym: Look I have a TV in front of the treadmill.
Me: So what? I have a TV at my house.
Gym: My TV gets channel 8. Isn't that the channel you don't get at your house?
Me: There's nothing good on that channel.
Gym: The View is on right now.
Me: Who cares?
Gym: Hurry, get on the treadmill! They're talking about Tori Spelling!
Me: Dammit Gym, you win.